The Last Muggle to Read Harry Potter

They say you should never judge a book by its cover. And it’s a good thing, too, since you may have never read the adventures of a boy wizard with a wicked scar if you’d gone off some of this cover art. Heck, you probably wouldn’t have even realized the story was about a wizard.

What if you picked up Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets having never heard of Harry Potter? (Why you’re starting with the second book is beyond me – maybe you’re REALLY confused).

We’ve already tried to figure out the plot of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

Now, what would you think Chamber of Secrets was about based the cover art alone?

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – US Edition

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets tells the story of Harry, an incredibly confused Superman impersonator. Wearing Clark Kent glasses (because he never really mastered the whole “transformation out of your clever disguise” aspect of the superhero gig) and armed with a sword (because if you think about it, Superman doesn’t really have anything going for him but his strength and awesome…um…tights), Harry flies around on the tail of an endangered bird (until PETA slaps him with 10 years at San Quentin for animal cruelty). But at least he has a red cape! Seriously, it was this or running around pretending to be Little Red Riding Hood, and he can’t really pull off that little dress number she wears.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – UK Edition

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets tells the story of Harry, leader of a gang of children car thieves. Think “Grand Theft Auto”, with the strippers replaced by caged pet owls. With the help of his friend That-Red-Headed-Kid, Harry steals British cars that not only drive on the wrong side of the road, but fly. And don’t worry this story will teach your children to steal cars at such a young age. The Sunday Times thinks it’s “Splendiferous and delightful” to instruct kids on hijacking cars.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – Finland

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets tells the story of some psychotic bitch (seriously, look at her!) who stalks local bookstores, stealing Harry Potter books and unfortunate looking children with noses as disproportionately grotesque as hers. When she gets them home, she skins them to make hideous hats and stuffs their remains in her oversized mouth. The stuffy locals with misshapen heads do not approve of her antics, but all they can do is stand and glare disparagingly. Glare, locals. Glare.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – France

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets tells the story of two Mayflower pilgrims who discover fire while in jail for a crime they didn’t commit. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help you, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire The A-Team.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – Germany

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets tells the story of Harry, an evil origami artist. Cursed with horrific green highlights and remarkably feminine features, Harry creates towering origami snakes and flying paper cranes in his Chamber of Secrets. What’s his secret? Look at his face. Do you really want to know his secret? You can’t handle his secret.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – Italy

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets tells the story of Harry, the hyena-killing bandit and ex-court jester. Trapped in a world full of flying works of literature, Harry soars high above the forest, wearing his conquests on his head as a warning to others. Don’t mess with the Hyena Killer.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – Ukraine

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets tells the story of Harry, a boy who rescues a super happy red-headed boy, an f’ing creeping blonde, and a dead girl from a well full of comedy dell’arte masks…but he’s not very excited about it. Even his wild bird and kick ass sword don’t thrill him in the least. Look, Harry! There’s a castle! Nope, nothing? Really? Nothing at all?

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – Mexico

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets tells the story of Harry, a wimpy kid who wears his lucky blanket tied around his neck like a cape for protection. But when a gigantic snake threatens him and his anorexic bird, Harry FREAKS OUT! Then he reaches for that sword he also carries around for protection. You can never be too safe. You don’t know when some bully is going to jump you for your lunch money, or an evil snake monster is going to try and eat you. It’s really a story about the troubles facing today’s youth in a culture plagued by bullying in schools…and snakes…in schools…huh?

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – Sweden

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets tells the story of Harry, a young boy who is attacked by a rabid chicken while climbing a gigantic statue of Santa Claus. Harry must illicit the help of the albino nymphs to turn this raging cluck-face into drumsticks and save Christmas.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – Japan

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets tells the story of Olmec, star of Legends of the Hidden Temple, in the years following the shows cancellation. After failing to revive his fading career, Olmec slips into obscurity, trading exotic birds with the little people for his next drug fix. But wait. Are they really little people, or are the mushrooms playing tricks on him again? This is all just a trick, isn’t it? None of you are real! NONE OF YOU ARE REAL! And where did that snake come from? Oh god! OH GOD!

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – Bloomsbury Adult Edition

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is an in depth look at the intricate ironwork and sculptures found on doors and doorways throughout the world. Guided by world renowned doorframe historian Harry Potter, this definitive work examines everything from Rodin’s “The Gates of Hell”, to this featured piece entitled “The Gemini”. In the style of the Blue Mustang that decorates the outside of the Denver Airport, this beautiful piece features green LED eyes. As Harry tells interested readers, “Those eyes hold secrets. So many secrets. A whole chamber of secrets, to be exact.”

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – United Kingdom Adult Edition

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets examines the impact of suburban life in the 1950′s on the nuclear family and western culture. It’s a societal shift best defined by the advent of the family car and the introduction of independence and secrecy into the home. When the men take off in their sedans, the women are left to wonder if they are really off to another late night in the office or if that faint smell of perfume is something to be concerned about. When Sally gets picked up by Johnny, her parents are no longer sure if she’s really going to the school dance or driving up to Make-Out Point. It’s a wild time of uncertainty in a world torn between tradition and progress, between family life and the temptations of the open road, between secrets and the chambers that are full of them.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – Penguin Books

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets tells the story of Harry, a jaundice knight who battles an eel for domination of the kingdom. Told in the style of great Arthurian Legend, Chamber of Secrets is the untold story of Arthur’s yellowist knight. It’s a fight to the death between good and evil, between right and wrong, and between mustard-colored skin and a long, slimy fish.

~ by Jess on December 19, 2010.

Posted in Harry Potter
Tags: Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter, Harry Potter covers, Harry Potter foreign, Harry Potter international, Harry Potter Series